I was at Walmart behind two younger guys and one of them looked like the pilot...side profile. 

It made my heart skip and my stomach drop. 

Even if I try, it's pointless. There are competent people in the world and then there are the fuckups. I'm firmly in the latter category. 

My mood is maudlin. I crashed and burned yesterday---dove into depression. 

I don't know how to fix this part of me, where I wallow in self pity and self abhorrence. 

My mental self talk is overwhelmingly negative. Not only do I feel utterly worthless, but I feel that striving for anything is completely hopeless because I will consistently fuck things up. 

And what David did with me was opportunity, not attraction. It was for the moment. Nothing more. I was weighed and found wanting. 

Men say that looks don't matter---Jack did, and I vaguely remember David saying something...oh, he said something to Ron about it---

But looks do matter, so much. 

And I still continue being fat. 

I'm making verrrrra slow headway---did Avalanche with Jenn today and I feel pretty good. I felt stronger than the year I went up with Shonda. 

I want to go back to the gym again, starting tomorrow. 

And I want to ride my bike to work tomorrow. 

I can't do it Tuesdays and Wednesdays while Ian is still in school. 

None of them love me. 

Not Jack, not Dan, not David. Not Jason. 

I'm not lovable. 

And my body is ugly. 

I just feel like everything is hopeless and pointless and why should I even bother trying. No one wants to stick their dick in me or date me and ...it's been a decade this September since Dan. 

Since someone loved me. 

I don't think I'll ever find anyone else again ever who wants to be with me. And I read texts from Jason over and over again where I tell him that I want him to fall asleep inside me after he cums and he tells me that he wants me to fall asleep on his chest...and oh my God. I want that. So badly. It's not even about sex, it's about intimacy and love and...I don't have any courage to do that again and have it taken away again. I can't. I just can't. I can't become accustomed to having that in my life, like when I was with Dan, and losing that again. 

Which means I can't experience that again in my life ever because I'm so fearful about losing it. And yeah, I acknowledge it's completely stupid but it's an emotional reaction---it's akin to abandonment issues but it's something else...I'm forgetting what it's called currently.