I was at Walmart behind two younger guys and one of them looked like the pilot...side profile. 

It made my heart skip and my stomach drop. 

Even if I try, it's pointless. There are competent people in the world and then there are the fuckups. I'm firmly in the latter category. 

My mood is maudlin. I crashed and burned yesterday---dove into depression. 

I don't know how to fix this part of me, where I wallow in self pity and self abhorrence. 

My mental self talk is overwhelmingly negative. Not only do I feel utterly worthless, but I feel that striving for anything is completely hopeless because I will consistently fuck things up. 

And what David did with me was opportunity, not attraction. It was for the moment. Nothing more. I was weighed and found wanting. 

Men say that looks don't matter---Jack did, and I vaguely remember David saying something...oh, he said something to Ron about it---

But looks do matter, so much. 

And I still continue being fat. 

I'm making verrrrra slow headway---did Avalanche with Jenn today and I feel pretty good. I felt stronger than the year I went up with Shonda. 

I want to go back to the gym again, starting tomorrow. 

And I want to ride my bike to work tomorrow. 

I can't do it Tuesdays and Wednesdays while Ian is still in school. 

None of them love me. 

Not Jack, not Dan, not David. Not Jason. 

I'm not lovable. 

And my body is ugly. 

I just feel like everything is hopeless and pointless and why should I even bother trying. No one wants to stick their dick in me or date me and ...it's been a decade this September since Dan. 

Since someone loved me. 

I don't think I'll ever find anyone else again ever who wants to be with me. And I read texts from Jason over and over again where I tell him that I want him to fall asleep inside me after he cums and he tells me that he wants me to fall asleep on his chest...and oh my God. I want that. So badly. It's not even about sex, it's about intimacy and love and...I don't have any courage to do that again and have it taken away again. I can't. I just can't. I can't become accustomed to having that in my life, like when I was with Dan, and losing that again. 

Which means I can't experience that again in my life ever because I'm so fearful about losing it. And yeah, I acknowledge it's completely stupid but it's an emotional reaction---it's akin to abandonment issues but it's something else...I'm forgetting what it's called currently. 

183.0!! [again, whew.]

Weighed myself on the work scale and I'm at 183.0---which is where I was when my pants were really baggy.

My pants aren't really baggy yet---in fact, the fat pants are still kind of tight---but I'm gonna persevere.

16 for a half hour on the elliptical was hard this morning...and yesterday.  I was 5317 calories under my weekly budget last week.  I don't know what that means.

If I lost 10 pounds per week, in the five weeks leading up to Death By Chocolate, I could be 140 pounds.

At no point do I think I'm going to lose ten pounds per week.  That's crazy.

I thought I'd be lucky to do 3 pounds per week.

Then I hit 4.

Now, I'm really hopeful I'll lose 10 pounds this week...because I was at 190.8 and now at 183.0---so loss of 7.8 means I only need 2.2 pounds more.  And I bet I'll have that because I have drunk almost 2 bottles of water this morning, plus had a mango so am guessing if I just weigh myself before I work out tomorrow, possibly I'll be closer than I am.

I think I began weighing myself on Tuesday.

Not entirely certain though.

Still haven't gone the lunges/squats/etc. yet.

7.8 pounds per week x 5 weeks is 39 pounds.

190-39=151.

I haven't been that in years.

I know at 160 I look pretty good, because I have photos of me at that weight.

Still, looking at the back and butts of models and I want that look, so...pretty sure I need weight lifting and working specific muscle groups after the cardio for weight loss.

If I can get to 20 pounds weight loss in 5 weeks, I'll be happy.  That's what I was aiming for with Death By Chocolate.

Sure, it would be nice to go for more, but hell.  10 pounds of weight loss in a month is a lot, anyways.

I'm kind of at a fever pitch regarding the pilot.

So that's in the forefront of my mind.  Also occupying space is the fact that this is exactly where I was last year, except I gave up on me.

I don't want to give up on me.

I want to be strong and go hiking this summer---go paddleboarding and tone my muscles and be the person I want to be.

I'm hoping this isn't just water weight I'm losing.  I'm staying hydrated and drinking at least 64 ounces per day---so hopefully.

I just feel tired today at work today.

Haha...and reading that sentence, it's pretty apparent I'm tired.

Just...not very zippy.

Which will happen when you wake up before 5 am to get to the gym.

But I've been pretty consistent all week.  Going in multiple times on the weekend.

I guess I'm a little anxious about the weight loss slowing down.

But hey.  I'm almost halfway to my goal for 5 weeks of exercise...after only one week.  That's insane.

I want to keep up with the high intensity but level 16 for a half hour wasn't working...I went 20 minutes at 16, dropped down to 15 for 10 minutes after that, and just had fun for the remainder...hit 500 and was done.

I want to burn 1500 calories daily through exercise but I don't think I can sustain that.  It only seems to work on days I have off...no work, no Ian, etc. I can knuckle down when I don't have him, or work, and I'm moderately free from distractions...but I start thinking about all the stuff I have to do---and worrying about energy for the other things I have to do.  Like on Saturday, I did an hour on each workout.  Sunday, I did a half hour in the morning and 45 minutes in the evening...still added up to an hour...just not two hours.

[mental shrug]

Will have to see how that goes, wimping out.  Maybe I should do an hour daily, but go down under 9 for my last 15-30 minutes.  Not sure, but that might help me from feeling like I'm failing while also not sapping my strength entirely.

Okay, doing some reading here:

Slogging away on the treadmill to hit some magic number is a waste of time and energy since machines can only roughly estimate your metabolic rate, Vastola says. Ignore the red digits on the console and focus on intensity instead. If you work harder in shorter bursts, you’ll burn more calories even after your workout is over. Use a heart rate monitor (aim to stay between 75 to 85 percent of your max heart rate) or the rate of perceived exertion scale of 1 to 10 (strive for an 8 or 9 on high-intensity intervals) to determine if you're working hard enough.

I'm working over 10 for a half hour...and I'm hitting 75-85 of my heart rate, pretty certain.  Also says you need to do 40-50 minutes for your body to burn fat.

So the half hour workout won't cut it...it must be 45 minutes, at least.  Okay.  Got it.

Heart Rate.

My max heart rate is 190 bpm

healthy heart zone = 95-114 bpm [50-60% of max]

fitness zone = 114-133 bpm [60-70% of max]

aerobic/endurance = 133-152 bpm [70-80% of max, 1/2 calories burned are from fat]

anaerobic/performance = 152-171 bpm [80-90% of max, only 15% of calories burned are from fat]


I typically work out on the elliptical at 168-172/4ish.


I would like to lose ten pounds per month.  That's 2.5 pounds per week.

Am going to be doing 2 hours of cardio per day---that's 3 miles at 1600 calories per day.

Day	Weight	Calories Used	Your Calorie Deficit
03/28/2017	187.57	2529.02	1409.02
04/04/2017	184.77	2507.09	1387.09
04/11/2017	182.01	2485.51	1365.51
04/18/2017	179.3	2464.26	1344.26
04/25/2017	176.63	2443.34	1323.34
05/02/2017	174	2422.75	1302.75
05/09/2017	171.41	2402.47	1282.47
05/16/2017	168.86	2382.52	1262.52
05/23/2017	166.35	2362.87	1242.87
05/30/2017	163.89	2343.53	1223.53
06/06/2017	161.45	2324.49	1204.49
06/13/2017	159.06	2305.75	1185.75
06/20/2017	156.71	2287.3	1167.3
06/27/2017	154.39	2269.13	1149.13
07/04/2017	152.1	2251.25	1131.25
07/11/2017	149.86	2233.64	1113.64
07/18/2017	147.64	2216.31	1096.31
07/25/2017	145.47	2199.25	1079.25
08/01/2017	143.32	2182.46	1062.46
08/08/2017	141.21	2165.93	1045.93
08/15/2017	139.13	2149.65	1029.65
08/22/2017	137.09	2133.63	1013.63
08/29/2017	135.07	2117.85	997.85
09/05/2017	133.09	2102.33	982.33
09/12/2017	131.14	2087.04	967.04
09/19/2017	129.22	2071.99	951.99
09/26/2017	127.33	2057.18	937.18
10/03/2017	125.47	2042.59	922.59
10/10/2017	123.63	2028.24	908.24
10/17/2017	121.83	2014.1	894.1
10/24/2017	120.05	2000.19	880.19

http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal_act.php

I want to lose 20 pounds by 4/29/17---for Death By Chocolate.

Ziplining is for June 30th.  That's below 160, which is what I think I was before when we went zip lining.

And I want to pick huckleberries with the pilot by end of July/beginning of August.  That puts me at 140 around my 37th birthday.

That's 50 pounds...in 5 months.  Ten pounds of weight loss per month.  Except I want to lose 20 for the first month, approximately.

I'd be happy with 160---at 160, I look amazing.  But I want to see how it can change my body.  And I need to get my weight under control so I can do my breast lift in January of 2018.

So this chart is to show me that I can do it.

If I choose to.  If I don't give up.

Weight Loss Calculator

Understanding the Impact of Diet and Exercise

Step 1: Your Profile

Sex

 

• Age
  36
 
• Height
  4' 11"
 
• Lifestyle
  100
 
• Current Weight
  190
 
• Goal Weight
  141

Step 2: Getting There

How hard do you want to work?

Start Date: 
Finish Date:

PrevNext

April 2017

Su	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr	Sa
						1
2	3	4	5	6	7	8
9	10	11	12	13	14	15
16	17	18	19	20	21	22
23	24	25	26	27	28	29
30

Days needed to acheive weight loss: 39

Step 3: Diet and Exercise

Select the balance between diet and exercise:

The number of calories to take out of your diet each day:
2196

Plus, the number of minutes you need to exercise each day:

339
Moderate Intensity

218
Vigorous Intensity

View your detailed weight loss projection plan

This calculator assumes you're not currently gaining or losing weight, and that you're not doing any special exercise.

https://www.lifespanfitness.com/fitness/resources/weight-loss-calculator#detailed-plan

Your Detailed Weight Loss Plan

Initial Posting.